Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Fight List

We’re all short of time. It’s sad, but the couples I know don’t even have the time to plan any really good fights anymore. They end up fighting over stupid things, like what time Target closes on Thursdays. That’s why I think every couple should have a fight list. A good fight list can help you plan for an organized and efficient life of marital discord. If you, too, are having trouble using your fight time wisely, you can follow this simple fight list:
The Early Years: Who’s The Better Driver - I think it’s important to fight about who’s the better driver early on in a marriage. Because this fight will never truly be resolved, it’s good to get an early start on it. On a personal note, I’d like to add that the spouse with the least amount of tickets is not necessarily the better driver. My spouse has asked that I insert here that getting lost is not a sign of bad driving, but rather the result of having a poor navigator in the passenger seat. See, the variations on this one are endless and will last you a lifetime.
The Early Years Part II: You Weren't Like This When We Were Dating – This one is a classic. As the flaws we so carefully hid during courtship become more glaring, we must take the time to communicate with each other about our feelings on the matter. Here is an example of what a healthy dialogue might sound like:
Her: Why do you always want to hang out at your brother’s on Saturdays? When we were dating you used to want to spend time with ME, remember?
Him: My brother has a cool workshop in his garage. You have toenail clippings on your nightstand. Who would you want to hang out with? By the way, I don’t remember you wearing those barf stained gray sweatpants when we were dating, either.
Her: Well, maybe if you didn’t spend so much money on your disgusting pork rinds habit I’d have some money to buy nice clothes with.
I could go on, but you get the picture.
The Young Children Years: It’s Your Turn to Get up With The Baby – The key to winning this fight is to get really good at pretending to be in such a sound sleep that you don’t even hear the baby crying. Insisting that you need earplugs to get to sleep because of those pesky crickets is also a good tool. Be careful about using the old “I have to get up early” defense though, as it may provoke the next fight in your relationship:
The Middle Years: Who Works Harder – Obviously, I do.
And finally, The Later Years: What Did You Do With My Glasses? – This is the age old question that is usually followed by a sarcastic remark such as, “Have you checked your face?” It’s unfortunate that I have hit this stage of fighting well before my time. The other day, I called hubby on my cell phone while I was walking out of a store, when I suddenly panicked, telling him I had to run back into the store because I couldn’t find my phone anywhere….Yeah, I’m losing this fight.


Signe said...

Hey-one of my best ones was who could be silent the longest. It was a tie. We are still battling that one out to the death.

Signe said...

The where'd you put your glasses fight?--Just yesterday I was fixing a computer in a classroom, got everything plugged in, got up and started looking all over for the keyboard. I said to the teacher, "Did you guys put the keyboard somewhere?" She walked over and said (quite timidly) "Isn't is sitting there in front of the monitor?" Yep-I'd lose that fight too.

Lecia said...

Signe, you made me laugh! The other day Jay brought his laptop out to where I was working on the PC and asked for my help with something. I started trying to type something into the laptop and it wasn't working. I couldn't figure it out. Finally I realized I was typing on the PC's keyboard and wanting it to show up on the laptop's screen!

Connie said...

I don't even care if Tony think's he's a better driver.. he actually has mentioned that. At first it may have offended me but now I just laugh. At least he's doing all the work and I get to sit back and relax everytime we go somewhere!

The Crider Clan said...

So hilarious Lecia! You are such a talented writer! I laughed so hard!

Diana said...

I came over here from Melissa's blog and I'm so glad I did! You are quite hilarious! Thanks for the grin today!!

Lecia said...

Nice to meet you Diana :)