Sunday, May 31, 2009

Sugar Rush

I never outgrew sugary cereals. Every morning I say to myself, "Self, it would be very good to have Special K for breakfast this morning." But Self disagrees. Self wants Lucky Charms or, if I'm really having a blessed day, Apple Jacks. Self usually wins, and then I must punish Self by making us do Cardioke for an hour. (Okay, 20 minutes...I'm no Suzanne Sommers, gimme a break).

And yes, there really is such a thing as cardioke. I discovered it on Cox's On Demand channel. It's a special combination of cardio exercise and karaoke singing which allows me to use two of my lesser talents at once, for a truly scary sight. One or the other of those things is usually enough of a challenge for me. I do okay with cardio until it gets dance-y, then my lack of coordination starts working against me. It generally goes something like this:

(The truly brave-hearted can take a moment here to visualize me standing in my living room exercising in front of the TV):

Me: Okay, step touch, step touch, I got this. Why does she keep saying left and moving right?

Aerobic Goddess with six-pack and buns of steel: Let's add in some arms.

Me: Uh-oh. Okay, focus. Step touch, arms out, step touch, arms in. This doesn't look quite like what they're doing.

Aerobic Goddess with six-pack and buns of steel: Adding a new step here, grapevine...and go!

Me: Grapevine, what's that? Step, cross, step, heel. Wow, the girl in the back really puts a flair into it with those hips, doesn't she? Step, heel, cross, oops... (trip, fall back onto couch, be grateful, once again, that I'm doing this in the privacy of my own home).

My karaoke's even worse. I have a range of about 5 notes, and even Paula Abdul would have to concede that I'm "a little pitchy". Worse yet, I have singing enthusiasm. So, basically, I sing five notes, off-key, but with enthusiasm - a deadly combination.

It should be obvious, then, that Cardioke was a natural choice for me. The chance to be able to trip over my own two feet while singing "It's your what you wanna do" at the top of my lungs is priceless. It wasn't so bad when my kids were at school and I exercised in peace, but now that my flailing has an audience of four, it's worse. I mean, it can be really hard to hear what the Goddess is saying with everyone laughing so hard.

Come to think of it, they say that laughter can burn up to 40 calories a day. There's a chance my kids may be getting a better workout than me.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Keepin' It Real

So I'm sitting here skimming through a women's magazine when I spot an article titled "Holiday Fun". Since I would like to have fun this holiday season, I decide to read the article. Mostly when I skim magazines I read the article's title only, make a hasty judgment call about its worth (usually negative), and then move on. So far today I've already passed on "Eat Your Way to a Healthy Heart" (if it doesn't involve cookies, I'm not into it), "Look Sexy in a Swimsuit Again!" (never did before, so probably not gonna happen now), and "De-Clutter Your Closets For Good" (puh-lease).

There should really be more honesty in writing. I mean, wouldn't it be great to see an article called, "I Threw a Rock at My Neighbor's Dog at 3:00 This Morning, Then Felt Guilty and Couldn't Sleep, So I Should Have Just Stayed In Bed To Begin With". Kind of wordy for a title, but at least we can all relate.

And what about that Ladies' Home Journal standard, "Can This Marriage Be Saved?" I used to get all excited reading that question every month, because I really wondered, can it? Sometimes I would make myself wait three full minutes to read the actual article just to increase the suspense. But guess what? It's saved. Every single month, month after month after month, always the same. Saved. And I'm left sitting there thinking, "I thought the divorce rate was much higher than this." I mean, it's good news and all, but shouldn't they just call their feature, "Another Marriage Saved" and stop the charade?

People should know what they're getting into when they start reading something. That's what's so great about children's books. When you see a book called, Anthony's Purple Hat, you can be pretty sure what that book is about. It's refreshing.

You know what else is refreshing? According to my "Holiday Fun" article, "making homemade wassail, putting on your holiday finery and entertaining those you love". Sigh. It would have been more honest to say, "Work yourself into a frenzy cleaning your house, try to find 5 friends who would want to come over for a refreshing sip of wassail, whatever that is, and then quickly sew yourself a holiday frock, since you can't afford finery." How fun!

Instead, I think I'll go get a cookie to eat while I read the rest of this magazine. And that's the honest truth.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

A Season of Selling

If you need some extra money, think of selling things. A wise sage once told me, "You can make money when you sell stuff. " That was either a wise sage or my friend Craig Slist, I can't remember. Anyway, my family decided to try it out.

DDawg sold homemade soft pretzels and made enough money to pay for football camp.

TLC whipped together a few ingredients and made his own laundry soap, earning enough to pay for scout camp.

Angelface conned her great-grandma into saving pop cans for her, and she earned enough to put up a tent in the living room and eat marshmallows, as if she were at camp.

AJ didn't sell anything, but she's cute and people (aka her grandmas) give her money all the time. She has enough for a pint of Ben & Jerry's, although she's too young to appreciate that fact.

I tried to sell my autograph on Ebay, because my friend at work told me autographs bring big money on Ebay. Nobody bought mine, though. Maybe my reserve was too high.

My failure prompted Hubby to buy me some Tony Robbins CDs (on Ebay, of course. It seems like everyone is making money there but me). Apparently Tony thinks I can do anything I put my mind to, so Hubby suggested I listen to the T-Rob every morning while styling my hair. I just started yesterday, but it turns out he was right! Just for fun, I started thinking about those old beehive hairdos people used to have, and I ended up making the BIGGEST hairdo ever! It was so crazy! Still no money though.

In my sorrow I walked down the street to commiserate with my sister-in-law, but she was busy helping her 6-year-old with a lemonade stand. They made $26. Man, I should have thought of that.