Unintended Offenses

While watching the Olympics on TV last night, my son said I was a big luger, but I misunderstood him and started to cry.

My daughter said I was her biggest Valentine. It is probably a coincidence that I was weighing myself at the time.

I felt a little depressed when I went to the bathroom and nobody hollered "Mom!" the minute I closed the door.

My friend gave me a sweater that she thought would bring out my best features. It's an extra high turtleneck. I wore it once, but it was hard to breathe through all that material. I guess she likes my eyes.

I missed a major meeting at work. The minutes state that I was present but unusually quiet.

My son thought that Signal Butte was another name for me in my yellow spandex exercise pants.

The opinion piece I wrote for the newspaper was mistakenly printed with the comics.

I got buried in paperwork while doing my taxes, and someone left flowers on top of me.

I locked myself into my car. Yes, into. That's all I care to say about that.